« back · exit frame · back to frame · www.benzo.org.uk »
BLOCKBUSTER BOLOXAT
Newswire
June 14, 2003
 |
LONDON: June 14, 2003. UK Newswire. UK based pharmaceuticals company FKP, a drug discovery innovator focused on identifying and developing drugs to address unmet medical needs announced a massive upswing in profits in the wake of last year's clinical trials which revealed that their ailing antidepressant Boloxat had some remarkable and previously undiscovered properties.
Launched 18 months ago to rival such drugs as market leaders Prozac and Seroxat (known as Paxil in the USA) the drug was slow to catch on but the publication of the new trials six months ago revealed that Boloxat has some startlingly desirable properties, and this has been responsible for pushing the blockbusting drug well ahead of its nearest rivals.
So just what did these amazing trials reveal?
Boloxat, it is now claimed, makes people look and feel at least 10 years younger, increases their lifespan, dramatically advances their careers, makes them irresistibly attractive to members of the opposite sex (or the same sex depending on personal preference), discernibly augments their chances of winning the Lotto, prevents cancer, effectively eliminates sexual dysfunction, inhibits the onset of Alzheimer's, lowers cholesterol, stops hair from thinning and greying prematurely and instantly clears up spots (zits).
Following the publication of the trials queues formed outside doctors' surgeries and pharmacists were so inundated that emergency procedures had to be implemented to ensure adequate supplies. Nicolas Hellspawn, managing director of the Picksniff Chemists chain said: "At first we just could not get our hands on enough. As soon as it came in we were swamped and had to beat customers off with sticks. It seems the whole world and his wife are clamouring for this drug but we now have a load of Boloxat in stock and are quietly confident we can meet the escalating demand."
FKP (ForrKinPoisonneux) chief executive, Jean-Claude Flamarrion said that Boloxat now ranked alongside drugs such aspirin, penicillin and coca-cola, and that he was proud to head a company which had so markedly improved the lives of millions of people across the world.
But are there any drawbacks to taking this wonder drug? What are the risks?
"None to speak of really," said Flamarrion. "Just a few isolated reports of people's heads exploding but these appear to be have been wildly exaggerated by the media. The most plausible reason for these unfortunate incidents is people's underlying health disorders which should in no way be attributed to the ingestion of Boloxat. The allegation that Boloxat also initiates spontaneous Faecal Brain Syndrome is unfounded and has been vigorously denied. It is, we suspect, a scare-mongering tactic born of the competitive jealousy prevalent within this industry. We have consistently demonstrated - to the complete satisfaction of the MHRA - that the benefits of our product far outweigh any negligible risk."
